With all the chaos of what is called life, lately I have been evaluating all the pros and cons of everything. By everything, I mean just that….marriage, friendship, work, family are in these lists I have mentally created. I have always had a huge issue with apologies, granted I demand them when someone messes up, they are something I have never really mastered. Almost 24 years old and I still hate to say sorry, yet punish my toddler when she refuses?! Why do I waste my time attempting to keep friends, when the reality is I am way to selfish with my kids to make time for a “friend”? Yes, I miss gossip, getting away from everything and getting sucked into their lives for just a moment. But the truth is, no one will understand the feeling my kids give me. They make me glow with just a smile and they love on me when I am down. I have a small handful, by that I mean like three tops, of friends I can confide in. The few that know the true me and not the front I put on for others.
Who knew Miss.Social Butterfly, is really the most self-critical person there is. I just feel as though it is just not worth it. All the failed years of attempting to keep and make a friendship, just caused a headache. The fact that majority of the girls you meet now a days are shady and do nothing but trash talk each other, it’s not a scene I enjoy too much. It is to the point now, that when the husband drags me to social gatherings with his friends, you will find me in the corner hiding. Pathetic I know, but I rather be seen as the bitch, then the girl they want to trash. I still speak my mind, lord knows I will never bite my tongue for anyone.
Then there is marriage….something that is spoke of as if it is a fairy tale. Yes, together forever, happily ever after…but what those stories fail to mention is life. The stress of bills, jobs, cars, children…you know the normal. Yet a novel makes it seem so magical and it is always full of breath-taking romance. Then your fairy tale takes on the real world! A complete different story starts to unfold, one with deep plots, heartache, butterflies and laughs. From a far any couple can look perfect, it’s what is behind closed doors that they would be more interested in. No one is perfect, though they claim they are, and I am far from perfect. Admitting this is the first step to recovery and recovery leads to changes.
I have too many things with myself that I need change. I have become that bitter old lady who is only happy when she’s cranky and pissed at the world. I know the main root to my evil is stress, I have admitted this many times. Yet, I have done nothing to change this, let alone attempt to change this. The fact that there are useless fights, worthless yelling and wasteful tears, you’d think that I would just grow up. But the truth is, it is not that easy. Men have it way to easy, yet act as though they do it all. With that being said, this is the fuel to my lovely fire burning inside. I feel as though I do so much, and in the end get no credit…or told I am not doing enough. Yes, I am lazy with laundry and wait til the dishes are pretty much screaming my name. But the fact that I still bust my butt to make sure everything else is perfect, drives me nuts.
Why should I do what you want, when you never meet me in the middle, or why should I care what you think? The answer to that is simple…no matter what way I look at it, I am in love. I still get butterflies when we kiss…yet days seeing your face makes me annoyed instantly. They say there is a fine line between love and hate…they say its normal. I think our main issue is our sex life, everyone needs sex and romance. He is the least romantic person in the world, the man thinks taco bell is a date night meal. But since having the kids, and the new lovely birth control, this body just isnt the way it was at 19. Sad, I know, depressing yes…
Now that I have completely gone off topic and side tracked myself…got to love that a.d.d., back to my point. I have a short fuse, by the time the kids are ready for bed…I am normally ready to rip my hair out. Which the timing just happens to be when hubby gets home from work…so needless to say I am in a funk…and we tend to argue. So I have been trying to get the kids on a schedule of winding down and keeping everything calm. So far this is working, who would have thought clean up time and just legos could change your overall attitude (yes I am a big kid at heart, be jealous)? He’s noticed a difference and even high-fived me, haha, yes I said high-fived ( we are the couple who plays rock, paper, scissors to find out who has to take the dog out!)
With the small change, my brain seem to finally understand what its like to be at peace. So I am on a mission to keep this kind of attitude going, my body needs it. The way I see is between yoga, that of course entales meditation, finding time to wind down, and accepting my flaws…I will be a complete different person soon. Before motherhood instead of wanting to yell back, I would bust out a journal or my sketchpad…but in order to sketch I have to get out all of Kaes art supplies and then I have to some how get the baby to sit still…and well I haven’t done a real sketch in quite some time *insert sad panda face right about here*
I just hope with all the drama I put up with at work, the wildness of my girls, the lack of one on one with the husband, and my challenged family, I continue to remember how great it felt to be sane…just for that sweet moment…
Your life is what YOU make it, no one else can decide your fate<3
Or should I say lack there of! I know that when you get into relationships or even become a parent, that privacy is no longer existent. Whether it’s the fact that I can no longer shower alone, pee without someone in my face, clean with out someone bumping into me, or talk on the phone. At some point in time, you need your own, as I call it, bubble, and you need you’re at few minutes to just breathe in “different” air. For me, most of the time work is my bubble, and then there is blogging/social networking/art/photography. Recently I started to bust out the paper journal that I carry in my purse. It’s embarrassing as to what the journal is about, but none the less it’s still my thoughts and feelings scratched into paper. My husband found this journal, and instead of ignoring it and just getting the smokes out, he decided to read it. Which is fine, because it was nothing bad, but it still has hit this nerve that I can not even begin to explain. The journal is like my spin on Sex In The City, if you catch my drift, granted it is about us…it is still the fact that its my words. Makes sense, right??
I am horrible when it comes to voicing myself with a lot of things, and I admit it. Just like I am horrible with grudges…it happens, but with some stuff it is just so easy to write about it then talk. So with the journal, I heard and read how keeping a journal about it, can help keep the excitement. You will find yourself reading it and want to try new things and blah blah blah. Soooo this is what I was doing, without needing anyone to know. But nooo Mr.Nosey had to find it, and Mr.Nosey is now wanting to add to it, and talk about it 24/7. With that being said, all I want to do now is toss the journal is the garbage and forget I even had it. Haha, I am weird, I know. But the whole fact that I was writing this for my own personal self, and that he keeps mentioning lines out of it, or talking about…ugh I just feel like my bubble was popped. This is dumb, I know, he’s my husband, marriage has no “secrets”…I get this. But I am not that type who sees something of someone elses, and goes heyyy lets see what this is. I just liked the idea that I had this “naughty” thing that no one else had or has read, and now it’s not “my” thing. He seems to think it is just as dumb that I feel so violated, but it’s just me.
I am weird about a lot of things, and I really try to be “normal” about it, but it normally leads to my fuse being lit, and the timer slowly ticking in my mind. Once that timer dings, I black out and I tend to say stuff that only my mind should hear. I happen to own a mouth full of the nicest shoes anyone has ever seen, due to the fact that my mouth tends to get a foot in it way to often. At least I am honest though, one thing about me is, I speak the truth, no matter how blunt. I can not help it, because I would expect the same from anyone else.
But back to the whole topic, and reason on why I even decided to write about this. I know I can not be the only person who feels this way. Yes, I have a blog on the internet, Yes Im on social networking talking about my life, and yes I tell certain people everything about my life. But to actually handwrite your feelings, and have it your head that it is just “yours” is a whole nother level. I know in a few days I will be over it, and from there I will decide if I want to continue this journal…but for now…I am walking that “not so much line.”