There where two Divas, who filled their mother’s heart with laughter and joy. They filled the house with smiles and energy, and touched every heart they met. It amazed their mother every time they made her laugh, and every time they made her cry from pure love. These two Divas would never know, or begin to understand, how much they ment to their mother…nor would anyone else.
The first Diva came with such a surprise, and a such a scare. Could this mother to be, be everything that she would need? Could she be everything that this baby Diva could want in a mother? Could she wipe all her tears, chase away all her fears, fight the monsters under her bed? Could this mother to be, make sure that no matter what, this baby Diva had everything she could ever want?
This mother to be, made sure that no matter, her Diva came first. This Diva came at such a time of sorrow and grief, that mother knew this is what she needed to survive. This baby Diva made sure this mother dropped all the bad friends and habits. This mother to be cleaned up her act like it was a thing of the past, and moved on with great stride to make sure she could change the futures path.
This baby Diva, soon came in a hot summer in the year of ’07, she came in 19 1/2 inches long, 7 lbs 7 oz and head full of thick black hair. This Diva was soon to be named Kaeley Rae, who made sure everyone heard her voice. She was full of colic, yet had so much laughter. Even with days and nights mixed up, and hours on end of screaming…she was still everything this mother could ever desire.
She grew so fast and changed so many times…yet every day her mother’s heart grew more in size. How could something so small and loud, make a mother heart melt? How could something so wild and energized, make a mother cry just from hearing her voice?
Within two years this mother was hit with yet another gift. A gift of a sister! Once again, she was a mother to be, with the same fears as the first time. Could she handle sharing her love, could she make sure they were always even? Could be there to fight off twice the monsters, twice the fears? This mother knew without a doubt she could, and as her belly grew…she knew this was the life she needed.
Although this Diva to be was not as easy as the first. The mother to be spent majority of the pregnancy in the hospital full of worry…full of fear. She was told numerous times, that the baby was lost…that she would not carry. Within 6 months, this fear was soon gone. This baby Diva made sure she went no where, and held on tight. She soon came on a cool March night in ’10. 18 3/4 inches long, 7lbs 2oz, and a head of brownish red hair. Her name was to be Paetyn Mae…who was born her sisters twin. There would be no denying their blood, they looked identical.
She was born with silence, and plenty of laughter. She was so opposite of her sister, her sleep schedule was perfect, no colic to be found. She was always so quiet, no matter the commotion. The first Diva fell in love just as fast as her mother, and was soon attached to her sister. She made sure no stranger came by her and was always up for midnight feedings. Their bond grew as time went on….
And today they are the best of friends who share secrets and stories. Everyday they do their best to make sure mother is always laughing. Watching them play, and learn together. Watching Kae teach Pae everything she knows, even the bad of climbing and yelling…this mother can not help but feel like she was gifted something amazing.
Even with all the stress to make sure they have everything they could ever need, all the worry of not being what they deserve…this mother can not help but feel like their who makes the world go round.
Who knew someone so small, so wild, so full of life, could be everything this mother was missing in life.
To my girls,
Even if I do not say it enough, your my reason for breathing. Each and everyday you amaze me. How fast you learn, your love for the arts, your smiles that melt me, or you horrible sleep schedules. Thank you for loving me through thick and thin, and I promise you Divas…without you I would be nothing.
You are my sunshines…my lungs…my heart
I will love to you the moon and back ❤
With all the chaos of what is called life, lately I have been evaluating all the pros and cons of everything. By everything, I mean just that….marriage, friendship, work, family are in these lists I have mentally created. I have always had a huge issue with apologies, granted I demand them when someone messes up, they are something I have never really mastered. Almost 24 years old and I still hate to say sorry, yet punish my toddler when she refuses?! Why do I waste my time attempting to keep friends, when the reality is I am way to selfish with my kids to make time for a “friend”? Yes, I miss gossip, getting away from everything and getting sucked into their lives for just a moment. But the truth is, no one will understand the feeling my kids give me. They make me glow with just a smile and they love on me when I am down. I have a small handful, by that I mean like three tops, of friends I can confide in. The few that know the true me and not the front I put on for others.
Who knew Miss.Social Butterfly, is really the most self-critical person there is. I just feel as though it is just not worth it. All the failed years of attempting to keep and make a friendship, just caused a headache. The fact that majority of the girls you meet now a days are shady and do nothing but trash talk each other, it’s not a scene I enjoy too much. It is to the point now, that when the husband drags me to social gatherings with his friends, you will find me in the corner hiding. Pathetic I know, but I rather be seen as the bitch, then the girl they want to trash. I still speak my mind, lord knows I will never bite my tongue for anyone.
Then there is marriage….something that is spoke of as if it is a fairy tale. Yes, together forever, happily ever after…but what those stories fail to mention is life. The stress of bills, jobs, cars, children…you know the normal. Yet a novel makes it seem so magical and it is always full of breath-taking romance. Then your fairy tale takes on the real world! A complete different story starts to unfold, one with deep plots, heartache, butterflies and laughs. From a far any couple can look perfect, it’s what is behind closed doors that they would be more interested in. No one is perfect, though they claim they are, and I am far from perfect. Admitting this is the first step to recovery and recovery leads to changes.
I have too many things with myself that I need change. I have become that bitter old lady who is only happy when she’s cranky and pissed at the world. I know the main root to my evil is stress, I have admitted this many times. Yet, I have done nothing to change this, let alone attempt to change this. The fact that there are useless fights, worthless yelling and wasteful tears, you’d think that I would just grow up. But the truth is, it is not that easy. Men have it way to easy, yet act as though they do it all. With that being said, this is the fuel to my lovely fire burning inside. I feel as though I do so much, and in the end get no credit…or told I am not doing enough. Yes, I am lazy with laundry and wait til the dishes are pretty much screaming my name. But the fact that I still bust my butt to make sure everything else is perfect, drives me nuts.
Why should I do what you want, when you never meet me in the middle, or why should I care what you think? The answer to that is simple…no matter what way I look at it, I am in love. I still get butterflies when we kiss…yet days seeing your face makes me annoyed instantly. They say there is a fine line between love and hate…they say its normal. I think our main issue is our sex life, everyone needs sex and romance. He is the least romantic person in the world, the man thinks taco bell is a date night meal. But since having the kids, and the new lovely birth control, this body just isnt the way it was at 19. Sad, I know, depressing yes…
Now that I have completely gone off topic and side tracked myself…got to love that a.d.d., back to my point. I have a short fuse, by the time the kids are ready for bed…I am normally ready to rip my hair out. Which the timing just happens to be when hubby gets home from work…so needless to say I am in a funk…and we tend to argue. So I have been trying to get the kids on a schedule of winding down and keeping everything calm. So far this is working, who would have thought clean up time and just legos could change your overall attitude (yes I am a big kid at heart, be jealous)? He’s noticed a difference and even high-fived me, haha, yes I said high-fived ( we are the couple who plays rock, paper, scissors to find out who has to take the dog out!)
With the small change, my brain seem to finally understand what its like to be at peace. So I am on a mission to keep this kind of attitude going, my body needs it. The way I see is between yoga, that of course entales meditation, finding time to wind down, and accepting my flaws…I will be a complete different person soon. Before motherhood instead of wanting to yell back, I would bust out a journal or my sketchpad…but in order to sketch I have to get out all of Kaes art supplies and then I have to some how get the baby to sit still…and well I haven’t done a real sketch in quite some time *insert sad panda face right about here*
I just hope with all the drama I put up with at work, the wildness of my girls, the lack of one on one with the husband, and my challenged family, I continue to remember how great it felt to be sane…just for that sweet moment…
Your life is what YOU make it, no one else can decide your fate<3
Or should I say lack there of! I know that when you get into relationships or even become a parent, that privacy is no longer existent. Whether it’s the fact that I can no longer shower alone, pee without someone in my face, clean with out someone bumping into me, or talk on the phone. At some point in time, you need your own, as I call it, bubble, and you need you’re at few minutes to just breathe in “different” air. For me, most of the time work is my bubble, and then there is blogging/social networking/art/photography. Recently I started to bust out the paper journal that I carry in my purse. It’s embarrassing as to what the journal is about, but none the less it’s still my thoughts and feelings scratched into paper. My husband found this journal, and instead of ignoring it and just getting the smokes out, he decided to read it. Which is fine, because it was nothing bad, but it still has hit this nerve that I can not even begin to explain. The journal is like my spin on Sex In The City, if you catch my drift, granted it is about us…it is still the fact that its my words. Makes sense, right??
I am horrible when it comes to voicing myself with a lot of things, and I admit it. Just like I am horrible with grudges…it happens, but with some stuff it is just so easy to write about it then talk. So with the journal, I heard and read how keeping a journal about it, can help keep the excitement. You will find yourself reading it and want to try new things and blah blah blah. Soooo this is what I was doing, without needing anyone to know. But nooo Mr.Nosey had to find it, and Mr.Nosey is now wanting to add to it, and talk about it 24/7. With that being said, all I want to do now is toss the journal is the garbage and forget I even had it. Haha, I am weird, I know. But the whole fact that I was writing this for my own personal self, and that he keeps mentioning lines out of it, or talking about…ugh I just feel like my bubble was popped. This is dumb, I know, he’s my husband, marriage has no “secrets”…I get this. But I am not that type who sees something of someone elses, and goes heyyy lets see what this is. I just liked the idea that I had this “naughty” thing that no one else had or has read, and now it’s not “my” thing. He seems to think it is just as dumb that I feel so violated, but it’s just me.
I am weird about a lot of things, and I really try to be “normal” about it, but it normally leads to my fuse being lit, and the timer slowly ticking in my mind. Once that timer dings, I black out and I tend to say stuff that only my mind should hear. I happen to own a mouth full of the nicest shoes anyone has ever seen, due to the fact that my mouth tends to get a foot in it way to often. At least I am honest though, one thing about me is, I speak the truth, no matter how blunt. I can not help it, because I would expect the same from anyone else.
But back to the whole topic, and reason on why I even decided to write about this. I know I can not be the only person who feels this way. Yes, I have a blog on the internet, Yes Im on social networking talking about my life, and yes I tell certain people everything about my life. But to actually handwrite your feelings, and have it your head that it is just “yours” is a whole nother level. I know in a few days I will be over it, and from there I will decide if I want to continue this journal…but for now…I am walking that “not so much line.”
Well I did my normal…procrastinated until the day before a holiday to shop! Whats new?! I always wait until last minute for everything…one day I’ll grow of this,right?
After picking through all the left overs and mark downs, I’m happy. The girls still got a good amount of junk they will barely touch, eggs that will spoil, and enough sugar to keep them wide awake longer then momma wants. Thats all that matters though, they will see that damn bunny loved them! Granted there was a few things that were put on hold due to money…ya know, the normal. But lord knows I will buy them once I get money. Thankfully this week hubby FINALLY got called back to work! So May 2nd cannot come fast enough…but with good news, come bad news. Our explorer breaks are about to give anyday now. The back wheels are covered in break dust and seem to be all gold now, you reach floor to sssllllooowwwllly stop…ugh. So now we are trying to find a loan, but with crap for credit….we are screwed. So I asked work for more hours and they are trying to help and hopefully for Easter we get some cash. I am keeping the positive thoughts flowing, in hopes I can catch one break…just one!!
Times like this, I wish I had a rich relative who favored me…a girl can only dream.
Aside from “ughness”, my car is fixed and running like a champ and I was approached by a model agency. Just a shame models don’t make money now a days. I have yet to decide if i am going to do it, but it is looking like a yes. I lack confidence and despise my body…but I have seen worse haa. I was told to think of a “stage” name and I think thats been my hardest choice. Majority of the names I like, are of course taken! I did email him 2 I really like and I am awaiting his response!
I just think it’d be cool to look back and be like “yeah I was hot!” Haha. But again, we shall see! But it is time to make that bunny some cards and cupcakes!
Over the years I already posted or shared stories of the crafts that I do with the girls. So instead of numerous facebook updates, tweets, texts and emails…I figured Id just dedicate one entire blog to the fun of crafting<3
Each craft in this blog is something my kids have done and something we love…at the end each one I’m sure I’ll leave a comment of what we thought about it or ways we have used it personally! So enjoy and prepare to have fun!!!!
- 1 cup Flour
- 1/2 cup salt
- 3 tablespoons oil
- 1 package of Kool-Aide
In a medium pan your going to boil one cup of water and add all the supplies…it will then turn into a ball. Add a little flour to your counter top and begin to knead your playdough.
-Remember if your animal lover all the salt is bad for the animals to eat but is okay for the kids to taste and get grossed out by. It will also stay good for a long time in an air tight container.
- 1 Package Jello
- 1/2 Cup warm water
Your going to add a little water slowly as you mix…if you want finger paint out of this keep it a little thick…but if you want paint brush style paint make sure its slight watery still.
-This takes some time to dry and if you use luke warm water the sugar in the mix will not fully melt and will have a glitter effect on your art work. You can also cut out pictures from magazines and paint the backs with the mix and make your own stickers =) Also Jello water keeps sick kids from dehydrating and helps with the “runs”
You can also use kool aide as paint too…each package of kool aide gets mixed with 2-3 tablespoons of water.
- You can use any anti bacterial soap
- food coloring
Your going to need a few small containers, and add the amount of soap you want to each one…you then add a pinch or 2 cornstarch (this helps fight the food color from staining) and then just a drop of color to each container.
- Blue Jello
- Swedish Fish
- Sour Straws
- Pop Rocks
- Small Clear Cups
Your going to make the jello like you would any other time, while you wait for that your going to decorate your “tanks”. The rocks are now made of pop rocks your then your going to add a little jello at a time for the building process. Your seaweed is your sour straws and you can add as much as you want, and lastly your going to add your fish. You then let it set in the fridge for normal time, and enjoy!!(If you want it faster make the jello the quick method way and then place in the fridge for a few to let it thicken a little more and then start building) -My kids love this one!! I almost force Kae to eat it and not wanna keep it as a pet.
We also do the paper mache which is your normal flour and water paste and you start off with a balloon and start building your layers….this is one that takes anywhere from days to weeks to complete. We have tried this one a few times and have half started piggy banks all over haha. We also made the telescopes out of toilet paper rolls and plastic wrap…our newest project was collecting sticks and letting the kids paint them anyway they wanted…then hot gluing them to spell out their names (go green =) ) Then theres match box houses for fairies<3 Rainbow Crayons are easy with cupcake tins and crayon odds and ends. Chocolate dipped coffee spoons, chocolate pudding paintings….You can pretty much plan a day of crafts with random house hold objects.
I have a million more projects we have done but Ill have to update later….Miss.Pae is throwing a tantrum cause yo gabba gabba ended….
Trying to find a balance between, work, two kids, a dog, a husband and playtime…lately seems impossible. When it comes to my girls my time is normally combined and we do group activities or I’ll encourage them to play together and explore. But today I got lucky! Kae stayed up beyond her bedtime with daddy watching movies and Pae was in bed like a good girl haha. So my wake up call was only from one little muffin yelling MOMMA at the top of her lungs today.
We spent the first few watching her favorite show….yo gabba gabba and then began our play time. Since I feel like I got more educational time with Kae as a baby, I try to make the same amount of learning time with the baby. Its sounds wayy easier than what it really is, specially since this week my dog has been beyond sick. So we spent our morning with the normal “whats this, whats that”, window gazing and bird watching, making breakfast, legos, counting, colors, and lots of love!! I am not going to lie, I love the individual time with each of them.
Now that the baby is getting ready for her afternoon nap, Kae will soon be getting her one on one time. We normally do projects together and she loves to help clean. I bought her a preschool workshop book and my goal is to start it today. This poor girl has been wanting to go to school for so long now, and I will admit I was beyond selfish with her. I did not want to let go and admit to myself that my colic baby was growing into a big girl. She is beyond smart and I know she would succeed in school and I know with her momma’s outgoing personality she would love every minute of it. So I have already started looking into school for the fall and I’ve been trying to find some sort of activity for her to join. Money always seems to be tight when an activity opens up though…story of our lives with our lovely economy!
I was into gymnastics as a child, and my parents could afford it either. But I was lucky enough to have friends who never had to worry about money and they would go to class and come home and teach me. So over the years I have been teaching Kae all the tricks I know and with our cable on demand offers a few dance shows. We may not always have to the money to pay a teacher to show her, but I always make sure I do my best to teach her what I know. For a soon to be 4 going on 24-year-old, this little girl has learned a lot. She has a passion for art, cooking, nature, animals, and learning.
I am a proud mother, that is for sure, my kids will never know the feeling I get as I watch them learn and grow. Before becoming a mother, I was going down a wrong path. You know the typical 19-year-old antics, “enjoying life, and living it to the fullest”…a.k.a causing mayhem. With Kae my pregnancy was a blessing in hiding, I found out about her the day after burying my grandpa. So needless to say my family was not to happy with me, and that is no understatement. My grandma exact words where “we will talk about this later.” and my parents uttered that famous “A” word. It was kind of funny though, cause Jeremy was beyond excited the second I called and shared the news.
Normally when you give that phone call your expecting your partner to freak out more than your family, it helped calm my nerves that’s for sure. Granted we still had worried and stressed about everything, but it always found a way to work out. Then with Pae, she was a complete surprise and I found out about her a few days after Kae second birthday. Pae pregnancy took a toll on me, emotionally and mentally. I was in the hospital with her more than I ever wanted to be. I bled off and on with her until the day I delivered and each hospital visit was always bad news. I can not even begin to count how many times the hospital told me I had lost my baby…or how many times they said they had no clue what was going on. Her pregnancy was beyond exhausting but the second she was born, I knew she was perfect.
Between all of Kae colic fits and Pae pre-birth hospital life, all the tantrums now a days, fights, attitudes, laughs, love, and struggles…I am beyong blessed<3 My family means the world to me and I will always strive to do the best I can for them. And with that being said Kae is now up and asking for coco milk and eggs….I love my life<33
As I Watch You Grow
As you grow into what you will be.
You came from within, from just beneath my heart
it’s there you’ll always be though your own life will now start.
You’re growing so fast it sends me awhirl,
With misty eyes I ask, Where’s my little girl?
I know sometimes to you I seem harsh and so unfair,
But one day you will see, I taught you well because I care.
The next few years will so quickly fly,
With laughter and joy, mixed with a few tears to cry.
As you begin your growth to womanhood, this fact you must know,
You’ll always be my source of pride, no matter where you go.
You must stand up tall and proud, within you feel no fear,
For all you dreams and goals, sit before you very near.
With god’s love in your heart and the world by its tail,
You’ll always be my winner, and victory will prevail.
For you this poem was written, with help from above,
To tell you in a rhythm of your Mother’s heartfelt Love!