It seems like the Divas know what day is right around the corner…the longer this week last, the worst they act. Kae seems to think she is the queen this week, and if momma tells her no, Santa’s is gonna get me. You may laugh, or say “Oh I’ve been there”, this is not funny.
No matter what I do to discipline over here, I fail. Yet, let daddy raise his voice just a little bit, and there is instant silence in my house? Why is that a male can raise his voice, and the world stops. Yet, when the momma, who mind you is home all day long with you, spoiling you and playing with you, try you laugh?
I love my Divas, we all know this…but the rate this 4-year-old attitude is going…Santa will be donating the gifts to the local charities haha. I have 3 days…just 3 days…I can handle this. Oh so I hope for their sake, ’cause this momma is slowly going insane. Pae seems to be hitting another growth spurt with her constant naps. Her attitude is quite insane as well…only to keep up with her monster of a sister this week.
I must say they are so lucky that they are beyond cute (as their momma I can easily say they are the cutest kids out there, its my job… and well they are ), but lord help me with this ‘tude problem. I was told that age 2 was the worse ( the one Pae is starting to enter)…but honestly age 4 has been way worse than 2 ever was.
Kae’s main problem is her jealousy and lack of wanting her sister to be just like her. I never had to deal with any of this growing up. My brother was 4 years younger than me and my sister was 7 years younger. We always got along, and we were always together. So the sibling issues is a whole new world for me, one that I am no fan of.
With time I know this will pass, and with school right around the corner for my big girl…it wont be long. I just wish that Christmas could get here already, so they have new toys to entertain them…so I can breathe, or read, or enjoy the quiet.
We shall see how long this momma can hold out…and until than i will continue to do what I am trying to do. If not we all know if I cry daddy, the world will go quiet.
There where two Divas, who filled their mother’s heart with laughter and joy. They filled the house with smiles and energy, and touched every heart they met. It amazed their mother every time they made her laugh, and every time they made her cry from pure love. These two Divas would never know, or begin to understand, how much they ment to their mother…nor would anyone else.
The first Diva came with such a surprise, and a such a scare. Could this mother to be, be everything that she would need? Could she be everything that this baby Diva could want in a mother? Could she wipe all her tears, chase away all her fears, fight the monsters under her bed? Could this mother to be, make sure that no matter what, this baby Diva had everything she could ever want?
This mother to be, made sure that no matter, her Diva came first. This Diva came at such a time of sorrow and grief, that mother knew this is what she needed to survive. This baby Diva made sure this mother dropped all the bad friends and habits. This mother to be cleaned up her act like it was a thing of the past, and moved on with great stride to make sure she could change the futures path.
This baby Diva, soon came in a hot summer in the year of ’07, she came in 19 1/2 inches long, 7 lbs 7 oz and head full of thick black hair. This Diva was soon to be named Kaeley Rae, who made sure everyone heard her voice. She was full of colic, yet had so much laughter. Even with days and nights mixed up, and hours on end of screaming…she was still everything this mother could ever desire.
She grew so fast and changed so many times…yet every day her mother’s heart grew more in size. How could something so small and loud, make a mother heart melt? How could something so wild and energized, make a mother cry just from hearing her voice?
Within two years this mother was hit with yet another gift. A gift of a sister! Once again, she was a mother to be, with the same fears as the first time. Could she handle sharing her love, could she make sure they were always even? Could be there to fight off twice the monsters, twice the fears? This mother knew without a doubt she could, and as her belly grew…she knew this was the life she needed.
Although this Diva to be was not as easy as the first. The mother to be spent majority of the pregnancy in the hospital full of worry…full of fear. She was told numerous times, that the baby was lost…that she would not carry. Within 6 months, this fear was soon gone. This baby Diva made sure she went no where, and held on tight. She soon came on a cool March night in ’10. 18 3/4 inches long, 7lbs 2oz, and a head of brownish red hair. Her name was to be Paetyn Mae…who was born her sisters twin. There would be no denying their blood, they looked identical.
She was born with silence, and plenty of laughter. She was so opposite of her sister, her sleep schedule was perfect, no colic to be found. She was always so quiet, no matter the commotion. The first Diva fell in love just as fast as her mother, and was soon attached to her sister. She made sure no stranger came by her and was always up for midnight feedings. Their bond grew as time went on….
And today they are the best of friends who share secrets and stories. Everyday they do their best to make sure mother is always laughing. Watching them play, and learn together. Watching Kae teach Pae everything she knows, even the bad of climbing and yelling…this mother can not help but feel like she was gifted something amazing.
Even with all the stress to make sure they have everything they could ever need, all the worry of not being what they deserve…this mother can not help but feel like their who makes the world go round.
Who knew someone so small, so wild, so full of life, could be everything this mother was missing in life.
To my girls,
Even if I do not say it enough, your my reason for breathing. Each and everyday you amaze me. How fast you learn, your love for the arts, your smiles that melt me, or you horrible sleep schedules. Thank you for loving me through thick and thin, and I promise you Divas…without you I would be nothing.
You are my sunshines…my lungs…my heart
I will love to you the moon and back ❤
Tooo stress out, faa a laa laa la laa laaaa! It seems like no matter how much over time the hubby brings, it is still not enough to get gifts for the people we need. I had 60$ to get gifts this weekend…that is enough for two little toys! Not to mention we still have our own divas to shop for, on top of both our grandmas, his parents, and his niece and nephew! Thankfully I got it easy with my mom, she wants me to crochet her a hat, and my sister I already got her a make up set.
If only money really did grow on a damn tree, I wouldn’t worry so much! We still have to junk my car, and instead of keeping the money (like we should), we are giving it straight to his parents to help remove some debt with them. With no car, I am out of work again…insert a super sad face here please. It’s not that I really enjoy working, but as a mother of 2 toddlers and 2 dogs…work was my few hour break. With us now living in Hickville USA, I really miss that break haha. I have yet to really met my neighbors, all by choice, but what I can say is everyone around us lives in over-alls and camo. Also, everyone seems to think removing their muffler is the cool to thing do…ohhhh and lets not forget the revving of the engines to go with it.
I really can not complain though, my girls love it here. We spent the morning running around the backyard and playing with the dogs. Granted it was freezing out, but the girls did not care one bit. With all the over time hubby getting, we are always stuck at home and with all the rain…we have not really been able to go outside! Let me just say, you can not keep a 4 y r old and a soon to be 2 year inside for this long! I felt like I was slowly working my way in to the loony bin. There is only so much we can craft with, since all the stuff is missing currently, and only so many places to hide. We did make the bunk beds into a fort and we have read more than mouth can handle.
All in all though, I really can not complain…it feels like a home here. Something I have not really felt since I moved out of grandmas…I think my girls can sense it too.
Ever notice how every person you meet you automatically judge? How if the family the person came from is trash, you assume they are? Or how if the family is a bunch losers, drug addicts, or complete low lifes…you assume they will grow to be the same. I can not even begin to say how many people assumed this of me. So many people pass judgement, before a person can speak…so many people go straight to assuming…so many people miss out.
I know that not everyone can grow up in an up bringing with drugs being normal, and come out on top drug free. Not many people can set out in the real world, and make it. Granted I have had my shares of ups and downs, and my share of fears. But luckily, I know right from wrong and I know what I will never be. I know I will never lose my children, I know I will never succumb to “poison”. As a matter of fact, I like to shove it in people’s faces, that all the nasty things they said my family would grow to be is false. Not only did I make sure I did not fall into the footsteps of my parents troubled pass, but neither have my siblings. It is an amazing feeling, to see the look of shock when they see me and my life.
What more can a person really want in life, other than to succeed? I may not have a college degree or a life time career…but I do have two amazing girls who adore my every move, a support of husband and love. I am like a hippy, in a sense, I honestly do believe love is what makes you. Some people, the negative nancys of life, are lacking love. They fuel themselves off the drama, the gossip, the lies. The lie to themselves, and then believe the lies…almost as if half the world is dealing with split personality disorder….granted everyone in life hits a point where they become split personality. But why should you live your life fuel of anger? Why fuel yourself off the lies? Why live under a cloud of dark, course energy?
I may not be perfect. I may swear too much. I may smoke, drink, drive wild, act twice my age, and drink coffee like water…but guess what? It is me! At least I can go through my life and know that not once was something else, or someone else. Not once did I live up to a family trait…nor will I ever. I may struggle, when I hit some of the lifes pot holes, but at the end of my bumpy unpaved road….I am true to myself.
This month has been so crazy! Between losing my job over racism and stupidity, to my baby girl running a temp of 105 off and on for a few days, to our random vacation!
I feel as though I have been out of it, a whole month of random choas and plenty of headaches! But in the end I can not complain. Yes, I am unemployeed and broker than a joker, but I am keeping my faith that maybe DHS will actually help us. I filled out my app, had my phone interview, now its the waiting game…and lord knows I am impatient. I had a few jobs call, but my cars battery is so dead I need a new one, so I can only work Mids or Days for now…none of which they offered.
My baby girl is back to normal and running around like her wild self. No more meds or all nighters keeping an eye on her. By far the scariest thing I have been through!! They still have no idea what caused her crazy fever….blood and throat cultures all came back normal. Im just glad my girl is ok 🙂
As for the vacation…it was a blast! First time me and hubby have ever been kid free or alone in 5 years. We did every water slide and pool they had. I feel like i got beat up, my whole body aches from the walking and stairs haha. But it was nice, we spent the whole time together and even stayed up super late to scope out all the stuff the group didnt wanna see.
All in all its been pretty good! Thanks to my frand Theresa, I am back into sketching and attempting to draw. Its amazing how good it feels to have a pencil indent in your finger, lead all over the side of your palm and the sound of a sharp pencil against your paper is just bliss! Who knew something so simple, could make you feel so relaxed…to an extent ha.
Now if only I could of forced myself to do some laundry!
Or should I say lack there of! I know that when you get into relationships or even become a parent, that privacy is no longer existent. Whether it’s the fact that I can no longer shower alone, pee without someone in my face, clean with out someone bumping into me, or talk on the phone. At some point in time, you need your own, as I call it, bubble, and you need you’re at few minutes to just breathe in “different” air. For me, most of the time work is my bubble, and then there is blogging/social networking/art/photography. Recently I started to bust out the paper journal that I carry in my purse. It’s embarrassing as to what the journal is about, but none the less it’s still my thoughts and feelings scratched into paper. My husband found this journal, and instead of ignoring it and just getting the smokes out, he decided to read it. Which is fine, because it was nothing bad, but it still has hit this nerve that I can not even begin to explain. The journal is like my spin on Sex In The City, if you catch my drift, granted it is about us…it is still the fact that its my words. Makes sense, right??
I am horrible when it comes to voicing myself with a lot of things, and I admit it. Just like I am horrible with grudges…it happens, but with some stuff it is just so easy to write about it then talk. So with the journal, I heard and read how keeping a journal about it, can help keep the excitement. You will find yourself reading it and want to try new things and blah blah blah. Soooo this is what I was doing, without needing anyone to know. But nooo Mr.Nosey had to find it, and Mr.Nosey is now wanting to add to it, and talk about it 24/7. With that being said, all I want to do now is toss the journal is the garbage and forget I even had it. Haha, I am weird, I know. But the whole fact that I was writing this for my own personal self, and that he keeps mentioning lines out of it, or talking about…ugh I just feel like my bubble was popped. This is dumb, I know, he’s my husband, marriage has no “secrets”…I get this. But I am not that type who sees something of someone elses, and goes heyyy lets see what this is. I just liked the idea that I had this “naughty” thing that no one else had or has read, and now it’s not “my” thing. He seems to think it is just as dumb that I feel so violated, but it’s just me.
I am weird about a lot of things, and I really try to be “normal” about it, but it normally leads to my fuse being lit, and the timer slowly ticking in my mind. Once that timer dings, I black out and I tend to say stuff that only my mind should hear. I happen to own a mouth full of the nicest shoes anyone has ever seen, due to the fact that my mouth tends to get a foot in it way to often. At least I am honest though, one thing about me is, I speak the truth, no matter how blunt. I can not help it, because I would expect the same from anyone else.
But back to the whole topic, and reason on why I even decided to write about this. I know I can not be the only person who feels this way. Yes, I have a blog on the internet, Yes Im on social networking talking about my life, and yes I tell certain people everything about my life. But to actually handwrite your feelings, and have it your head that it is just “yours” is a whole nother level. I know in a few days I will be over it, and from there I will decide if I want to continue this journal…but for now…I am walking that “not so much line.”